Sciamachy
by Asmae-the-fox
Summary: The guilt catches up with you eventually. That's why you RESET. To see if you can change things, even though you know it's useless. But sometimes, when you come to in the middle of the night with bile rising up in your throat, knuckles white, and laughter at the back of your mind, you RESET for an entirely different reason. Post Genocide-Pacifist. T for dark themes.


**Sciamachy; an act or instance of fighting a shadow or an imaginary enemy. Greek; from** _ **skia '**_ **shadow' +** _ **makhia '**_ **fighting'**

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You always RESET. You RESET after you escaped the underground alone, though it always took some time before you did, and you always RESET immediately after the world ends. After you managed to SAVE everyone, the time you took to RESET varied. Sometimes, it would be weeks, or months; the longest it took to RESET was three years. It was because of Asriel. You left him soulless and alone; just a child, forever suffering in a never-ending hell of his own. The guilt of it always caught up with you, sooner or later. A part of you knew that it was pointless to go back, but another part still wanted to try. Maybe you could do something differently this time, maybe, just maybe, you would be granted a chance to save the one you could not save…

Most of the time, you went through everything unchanged. However, there were times where you weren't the one in control.

Sometimes, though, the reasons why you RESET were completely different.

The first time it happened, it had been during a special timeline. A year had passed and you hadn't RESET, and didn't want to RESET. You had finally taken the time to see everybody's happiness and felt remorse for the time you had taken their happiness away. For once, you decided to stick with it. The guilt remained, and it would always stay; it had almost become part of you at this point. Sometimes you would be driven mad with the knowledge of what you've done, to the point where you would be willing to sacrifice it all for just one more chance to SAVE the child you abandoned. However, you would remind yourself at how far you'd come, how _happy_ everyone was, and the crisis would pass.

You still had nightmares, though. At night, you would see Asriel again, his face and voice warped, wondering why you hadn't saved him, and you would feel vines wrap themselves around your body, rooting yourself to the spot, just like you had been frozen in place when _hey_ were in control, and you'd be back underground, killing everything that stood in your way, watching every one of your friends turn into dust at your feet and you would scream because _you hadn't meant any of it, you never wanted any of this, and you were sorry, so sorry, and their dust would coat your hair, your hands, your lungs until you were sure you couldn't breathe and-_

The night was scary for you, and you would often go without sleep for fear of seeing all of that again. Toriel knew you had night terrors, though she didn't know why. She wouldn't understand; how could she? Sans was the only one who knew what you were really going through. He was the only one who could _begin_ to understand what went on inside your head, and even so, his knowledge was still cut in half. He didn't know of the voice that was inside your head, of the being that had taken over your body and made you kill everyone, made you think such horrible thoughts. You were a monster, more of a monster than any of your family and friends.

How could you ever admit that Chara was with you, inside your head, whispering venom to you?

In spite of all of that, you didn't RESET. You were determined to let everybody live out their lives happily. You may not deserve to be happy, but your friends did. You would do anything for them.

However, one night, Chara was being particularly nasty, and was fighting particularly hard. It's not as if it never happened, though it was rare. They mostly preferred to torment you during the night, reminding you of all of the sins you'd done. Only very rarely did they fight for control, mostly for a chance to RESET.

This time was scary though. They had kept their thoughts from you, and when they did that, it was because they were usually up to no good, or more than usual. This time, they were particularly powerful; earlier in the day, Toriel had begun to reminisce about her previous children, calling Chara by name. Chara was always stronger when their name was called.

The struggle was a quiet one, like it usually was. You lay on your bed, clutching your head tightly between your hands, gripping so tight, your nails were digging into your scalp. Blood was welling up, trickling down your head, and clumping strands of your hair together. Thoughts were mixing up, some of them your own, some of them theirs, others thoughts from previous timelines, welding together in a silent scream. You shouted out, inside your head or out, you couldn't tell. You didn't want to go back, everybody was _happy_ and you just wanted to tear the world down, you wanted to feel dust in your hands again and see everything crumble, and the knife felt so good, so familiar in your hands and you knew what to do, the bitch sleeping in her room would never know what was coming and you could see the hurt and betrayal in her eyes, the realization of just what kind of monster she had in her house and you were _smiling_ because you hadn't done this in _such_ a long time-

When you finally came to, white knuckles gripping the knife hard, dust in your hands, you became violently sick. The horror of what you'd done lay heavily in your stomach and you wanted to heave it out, but it stuck stubbornly, instead climbing slowly to your throat until it formed into a lump of grief. You could only stare at Mom's dust shimmering in the moonlight, beautiful and soft. You grab at it in grief, clutching it tight, sobbing pitifully, hoping that it would suddenly reform back to Toriel's shape, smiling and gently pulling you into a hug, murmuring to you that everything's okay; that she'll go to make some butterscotch-cinnamon pie if you wanted some and you'd say yes and everything would be okay because this was just a bad dream, it _had_ to be a bad dream. Toriel wasn't dead and you hadn't killed her. Not here. Not now. Not when everybody was so happy.

Before you could really think about it, you brought the knife to your neck, willing to slit your own throat, cut clean through that life-throbbing vein and spill your own blood as retribution for your crimes. A life without Toriel wasn't a life worth living. You deserved death for killing the one who had given you a home when you never had one, taking you in and caring for you as her own.

But how could you let Toriel stay dead? The knife slipped from your fingers and clattered loudly as it fell to the floor. How could you even think to die and not give Toriel a chance at living? She deserved it more than you did. You owed her.

You were preparing to load a SAVE before you remembered. You hadn't SAVED. Not in this timeline. What now?

But you already had a solution. One you were reluctant to take, had promised to yourself just a few weeks ago you wouldn't do again, but this time, it was important. You wouldn't allow yourself to stay for another second in this timeline.

You RESET. The world went white and suddenly, you were lying in a patch of flowers, bruised and beaten, but alive and ready for a new start.

This time around, you stayed with Toriel a little longer than usual. After what happened, you couldn't bear leaving her so soon. So your stay extended for a week, more or less. It was hard to tell the time here. You weren't looking forward to your meeting Sans. He would always look at you with a disapproving look, silently asking why you had reset.

This time was no different. When you came out of the Ruins (with a still-alive Toriel behind the doors, thank God) and came to the bridge, there he was, hand outstretched with a hidden whoopee cushion and his customary smile. The smile didn't reach his eyes, though, which were cold pinpricks of suppressed fury. You knew that he would ask what happened, later on after they got to the surface, and you were already thinking up of an excuse to give him.

During the entire exchange between you, Sans and Papyrus, the short skeleton kept looking at you with an accusatory look. You didn't make much eye-contact with him; you had suddenly found the snow at his feet much more interesting to look at. There would be hell to pay later on. At least he pretended not to know you.

At the back of your mind, you could hear Chara laughing hysterically. It was then that you knew that they had planned it all along. It was all just a big joke to them.

Hardy har har.

Sans did indeed ask why you RESET, a few days after everyone got out. You just told him your usual excuse; the guilt of leaving Asriel had caught up with you, plaguing at your mind and clawing at your soul until it was unbearable. He accepted it, somewhat. He knew it wasn't a good excuse, and you knew it too, but you were too tired to make up something better. Sans was probably too relieved that you hadn't killed Papyrus to care, anyway.

He forgave you for RESETTING. He always did.

You could never tell him about Chara, much less about Toriel. He hated you enough as it was, for killing Papyrus so many times. He'd never said it, but you knew it, deep inside. You knew that he would never truly forgive you for slaughtering so many and striking his brother down when he was so willing to spare you. You knew, because you couldn't forgive yourself either. Telling him about Toriel would surely disgust him. She was your own mother, after all, a mother who doted on you and took such good care of you. Only a monster would kill her. A monster like you.

When the night terrors came, you were glad that Sans would still allow you to come uninvited into his and Papyrus' house in the middle of the night and crawl next to him in bed. You didn't think you'd be able to do the same with Toriel; not yet. The shock was still there, and you didn't trust yourself enough. Besides, he understood you better; he too had night terrors.

If it had only been a one-time thing, you could shoulder it; carry on with your head held high, or as high as you could hold it with the weight of your sins on your back, and go on. You were ready to march on; in fact you _wanted_ it. But it happened again. And you had to RESET again, because despite everything, you _still_ hadn't SAVED. And many times they took over, always whenever you were at your happiest, at your most vulnerable, and you would kill your mother. You would always ending up RESETTING.

Sometimes, a lot of times, it worked. The jump between RESETS and loads always left the two of you scrambled, giving you enough time to take a firm hold on your own body. But sometimes, it didn't. Sometimes, Chara would take the reins and your reign of terror would start anew. Sometimes, it would work partially. You would be the one in control most of the time, but there were moments where Chara did take control and made you kill a froggit, or Aaron, or Shyren, or Papyrus, or Undyne or somebody else

So, the last time you made an entire run without killing anyone, you began to save. And you SAVED, and SAVED, and SAVED and each time you fell back in horror, knife in hand, and dust on your clothes, you would load a SAVE. You were clever enough to SAVE at specific moments in time when you were happiest, so that when Sans would come asking, you would say that you just wanted to go back to when you were happiest. Sans understood that fully, and took the excuse without question.

Then one time, you killed Papyrus. It happened during a sleepover at their house. You were helping him making spaghetti and just as you felt a SAVE, Chara took over. You took the knife that was already in your hands and struck Papyrus' head clean off. The look on Pap's face was haunting, and the moment his head made contact with the floor, he immediately turned to dust. When Sans came into the kitchen, wondering about the commotion, he found you on your knees, clutching your head and sobbing.

"What. Did. You. _Do?"_

" _It was an accident, I swear, it was just an accident-"_ You felt magic, magic you hadn't felt in a long time, slam you to the wall. A blue and yellow eye was staring at you, unbridled fury in its depths. "I'm so sorry," you sobbed, because you _were_ sorry and you just wanted to die right there and then because _goddamn it you were so sick of it._

At first, he really looked like he was considering killing you, and you were almost ready to accept it. By now, you had done and heard so much, for a fleeting moment, you couldn't help but think that death would be a mercy. It must have showed on your face, because the next moment, Sans' fury dissipated and he let you go. The magic lessened and you fell to the floor, back aching, head throbbing and eyes tearing up. Your throat constricted when you glanced at Papyrus' dust and you began to sob.

In the back of your mind, you could hear the laughter again.

"bring him back." Sans sounded like he was close to tears himself. He was looking at the spot where Papyrus once stood, looking absolutely defeated. "reset or load, i don't care. just bring him back."

Sniffling, you nodded and prepared for the fight you would need to do immediately. You loaded.

When the white light cleared, you were beginning to hold the knife up threateningly and you almost did kill Papyrus a second time. You caught yourself in the nick of time. After a brief struggle with Chara, you threw back the knife and backed away. Papyrus, having had his back to you during this quiet exchange, turned around to look at you with a puzzled look.

"HUMAN?!" he asked. You winced at hearing his voice and took a few steps back. Chara sprang up to fight again, and you had to be careful not to let them win. "ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?! DO YOU NEED ANY HELP FROM THE GREAT PAPYRUS?"

You didn't answer right away. In hindsight, it was a bad idea since it only made Papyrus worry more, but you had to make sure you were in control before answering.

"I'm okay, Pap," you say, faking a smile. "I just need to go to the bathroom for a sec."

"OH." Were you imagining it, or did Papyrus not look completely convinced? You didn't have much of a chance to look into it. He gave you a smile and said, at the top of his voice as usual, "WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID SO! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WON'T HAVE A PROBLEM DOING THIS UNTIL YOU RETURN! NYEH HEH HEH!" And just like that, he turned around and continued where he left off.

You didn't wait any further to go outside hurriedly (almost running Sans over in the process). The moment you were out of eyesight, you darted to the trees, seeking shelter behind them and sitting down on the ground. You brought your knees up to your chest and buried your face in between your knees. Your hands went to the sides of your head, gripping hard.

 _Look at you, running away and crying like a baby. Pathetic. This wouldn't happen if you just gave yourself up to me. It's pointless to fight, and you know it. I'll just win in the end, I always do. I'll keep on killing Toriel and that dumbass skeleton and everyone you ever loved. Gee, I wonder what would happen if they_ ever _found out what you're capable of._

"No," you whispered. Chara was still struggling furiously for power, but you were fighting just as furiously.

 _The short skeleton already hates you. And why shouldn't he? After all,_ you _killed his brother so many times. Just look at how he reacted barely a minute ago. He wanted to kill you; I saw it too. But he wanted his brother alive._

"Sh-shut up."

 _What about the fish woman? Oh, she'd tear you to pieces, wouldn't she? She'd take that spear of hers and beat you to a pulp. Although, she'd probably monologue first. Moron. It's best to just cut to the chase, don't you think? You know about all of that, don't you?_

"Go away."

 _Go away, Frisk? No, I can't do that. Your soul is mine, remember? You sold it to me. I_ own _you, Frisk. I'm not going away any time soon. You can't escape from this. You will_ never _escape from this._

 _Just give up._

 _If you don't, I'll keep killing everyone. I wonder, how many times could you watch yourself kill Toriel? Or the loud skeleton? Or… what if you kill the nerd? Or the fish? Could you do this, Frisk? Keep killing your friends over and over? How long could you keep doing this until you finally snapped?_

 _This is all_ your _fault, Frisk. I hope you know that. If you weren't so stubborn, if you just let me take control, this wouldn't happen. But, hey, I guess I have to thank you for something; you just gave me something fun to do. Your reactions are priceless. I should have thought of this from the start. Thank you, Frisk._

You bit down on your lip to avoid crying out. You didn't want to bring any attention to yourself. This was a battle you had to fight alone.

But you were so tired of it. Tired of RESETTING, tired of loading, tired of fighting, tired of lying. You just wanted this to end.

 _Pathetic. Weak. Coward._

Chara was right. You could never escape from this, no matter how hard you tried. They had forever to play this game. They would calm down, lie low, only to take control when you'd least expect it, and it would all start over again, and the loads would start, and the lies would come and the game begin anew and you were tired of it.

You couldn't die though; Chara wouldn't let you. You knew; you've tried. You knew that this was a lifelong battle; one that would never truly end, not for you. You couldn't just give up either; your friends needed this life, and you would go through hell and back for them. And that's exactly what you did.

Like Asriel, you had to go through your own little hell, because you knew that, for as long as you still fought, they would never let you be happy. They would always torment you for the rest of your life.

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 **A/N: I was in a dark place when I wrote this. First time I write a fic since 2010 and it's this depressing shit. I actually had a fluffy-ish scene at the end, but I ended cutting it because it seemed out of place with the tone, but I might post it as a second chapter or something.**

 **Hopefully, if I write something in the next millennia, it'll be something happy, or at least semi-cheerful. I almost made myself cry at one point.**

 **If you have any thoughts, comments, any advice of any kind, or just want to tell me of a grammar mistake I made, let me know. Any comment made is greatly appreciated. I hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reading!**


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